People who know me, know that I’m a bit of a karaoke fan.
I’m the first to admit that I can’t carry a tune to save myself. But I rationalise my ridiculous enthusiasm with the fact that everyone loves a trier.
There’s something completely cathartic about taking the microphone and throwing your heart and soul into belting out a classic tune. It just makes me feel good. Dolly Parton 9 to 5 is my all time favourite but I’m also known to attack, with full gusto, modern tunes, even of the Disney variety.
And that’s what happened this week. I was set a test by Love Coach Julia Keller and it was all part of learning to let go. So as well as doing the exercises (which have been cathartic in themselves), I’ve also been walking around most of the week with the tune from Frozen dancing through my brain. I’ve even been doing the “shazam” frozen hand gestures at the chorus parts for extra gusto (thank god I live by myself!).
And it got me thinking. Why do I have no fear when it comes to the public humiliation of a karaoke performance yet the idea of falling and failing in love paralyses me with fear?
So I googled the lyrics to Frozen because, as most of my friends also know, I have a stellar talent for mishearing the lyrics to most songs.
I then came across these lyrics: “A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Let it go, let it go!”
I then got thinking about this blog and how a few friends knew that I was writing it and undergoing my transformation, but that the vast majority didn’t know what I was up to.
Why was I scared of sharing? Was it fear of being judged? Not being supported? Being laughed at? Being criticised? Fear of failing?
But after meeting up with an ex-journalist friend last week, she gave me the final push I needed to go public with my blog. And by public I meant sharing it on Facebook with my friends and family.
I set it all up to publish, took a breath and let go of my fear.
The response I got was truly overwhelming. I wasn’t expecting that many people to take the time to actually read it, let alone comment, let alone the streams of private messages from friends reaching out and telling me how brave I was, how supported I was and how many of them struggled with the same things I was writing about. Because a side-effect of modern life is that we tend to use social media to only talk about the best of things, but not when we’re not so good, or struggling with something.
So I’ve let it go. And I’m so glad I did. This process has confirmed what I knew deep down all along. I have an amazing supportive friendship group and writing this blog and sharing it has just made this experience even more authentic. I thank you for following my journey (both old friends and new), particularly as I take my next steps towards learning to flirt and finding my femininity (whatever bushel that’s been hiding under!).
Like Elsa from Frozen says, it’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through.
And when I hit a rough patch, like this karaoke hero, I’m going to shake it off, like no-one’s watching, because I have nothing to fear!